Fear the Feeling, it’ll Grow. Feel the Feeling, it’ll slow.
I came up with this quote a few years ago when I was working at a local non-profit with children and families from all over the SF Bay Area and recognized a similar pattern in the community; we don’t like to feel our feelings. At least the big and uncomfortable ones.
“Fear the feeling, it’ll grow. Feel the feeling it’ll slow.” What does that mean? Let me break that down.
When I say “Fear the feeling,” I am referring to our reflexive response to experiencing uncomfortable or less desirable feelings, emotions, and experiences. The sensations that make us want to run, hide, and crawl out of our own skin. For some, it’s anxiety that initiates this response. For others it may even be a seemingly innocuous or socially positive experience like receiving a praise or a compliment. The list of feelings goes on: guilt, shame, sadness, loneliness, and so forth.
As a therapist, I am often curious and wondering what you do when you experience those big, uncomfortable feelings? Do you try to solve the feeling with some formula or equation of steps and processes; “If I just do this, then I won’t be anxious.” Sometimes people may try to solve the external problem in hopes of eliminating or escaping the feeling. Others may just try any way to escape the feeling by way of engaging in distractions, numbing, or any other activity that may alleviate the sensation more immediately.
So how is attempting to solve or eliminate the sensation or feeling a bad thing you might ask? Well, let’s start with I’m not suggesting it’s innately a “bad thing,” but let’s look at some potential effects of this approach to big feelings.
“But Guy, I don’t want to feel those feelings.”
I hear you; I don’t like them either. That’s the thing about big feelings; they can be uncomfortable, overwhelming, and outright debilitating and we may do anything to avoid triggering those feelings like giving in to our child(ren) to avoid a tantrum, skipping social events to avoid potentially awkward moments or feelings of judgment, or engaging in people pleasing to try to ensure others continue to “like and approve of us.”
And if I get accustomed and reliant on escaping, numbing, or navigating my way around experiencing big sensations and feelings, what possible message am I sending to my brain or to myself?
The message might just be: “I cannot tolerate or handle this. This is too big for me. Therefore, I must avoid it at all costs.”
Now while that might have some truth to it, being able to increase distress tolerance to uncomfortable experiences is a core component to developing resilience and reducing overwhelm and anxiety over time when these feelings show up. It can get easier with time and practice.
“What’s the problem with trying to problem-solve?”
Problem-solving has a time and place and our problem-solving brains are most effective and efficient when we are emotionally regulated and relatively calm. Additionally, if I’m experiencing anxiety and I try to find a solution so that I don’t experience the anxiety, again I am telling myself that I can’t handle this experience. I’m telling my brain that “I can only be ok if and when the anxiety goes away.” And the more I try to eliminate that feeling with problem solving the more frustrated and or distressed I may get because there are very few things that will immediately eliminate this feeling (asides from substances or other potentially less favorable coping patterns).
Control: “If I could just control everything, then it will be fine.”
Gee, that would be great…and unfortunately there’s so much out of our control and the more we try to control the uncontrollable, the more we may feel our control slipping away like trying to grasp a handful of water out of bucket; the harder you grasp, the less you have.
Thus, the more we try to control and guarantee an outcome, the more we may feed into our own distress and intolerance for that same uncomfortable feeling or experience. We might be telling ourselves once again that “I cannot handle this; it’s too much.” We also may experience more helplessness and hopelessness as our efforts to “get rid of” or “problem-solve” the experience away don’t always provide the results we are hoping for.
So what now? What does “feeling a feeling” look like? How do you do that? While I can’t provide a therapy session in a blog post, let’s see where this process can start.
Name it: Like Dan Siegel says, “Name it to tame it.”
Naming and identifying the emotion is a great step in increasing emotional awareness. If I can name what’s happening, I might have a better chance at managing my own responses and hopefully finding more effective ways to cope and tolerate the emotion or experience.
Reframe it:
Reframe the Goal is to build tolerance to discomfort, emotions, and experiences rather than to eliminate. When the goal is to eliminate the feelings, it can be easy to fall into a pattern of avoidance of any situation that will trigger that discomfort; therefore, impeding growth and resilience.
Reframe the Thoughts:
“I can’t handle this”—> “I’m feeling overwhelmed”
“I can’t do it, it’s too uncomfortable” —> “I’m uncomfortable and I’ll be ok.”
Predict it:
Rather than telling yourself, “I hope I don’t get anxious when…” (This is resistance and avoidance in action)…I’ll tell myself, “Anxiety might show up and I’ll continue moving forward anyway.”
Plan for it:
If you know you’re going to experience anxiety, worry, or another big feeling, plan for what you will do when the anxiety is present. You might be able to talk to yourself and say “When anxiety shows up, I will do this…”
For example: When anxiety shows up, I will talk to my anxiety. I’ll say “hello” and remind myself that these are just sensations. They will come and they will go. The feelings can be uncomfortable, but I am capable of being comfortable and will be ok.
Remember the goal is to tolerate, not eliminate.
In general, if our goal is to eliminate feelings we end up:
Send the message to ourselves that “I can’t handle this.”
Feel more hopeless and helpless to “eliminate” the feeling.
Engage in more escape and avoidant activities to “eliminate” the feeling.
Lastly, building tolerance starts with a safe space to practice, gain experience, and ultimately develop resilience to the discomfort that may be the primary barrier to our personal growth and development.